Monday, August 17, 2009

Friends? We Got Friends . . . .



“Is George Clooney the Hottest Guy in Hollywood? Seems Everyone Wants to Be his Bud.”--Headline on Yahoo! News.

“I’m really white trash.”—George Clooney

E-Mail from: The Lipinskis
To: George Clooney

Dear George Clooney:

Trudi and I wish to thank you very much for the free dinner and drinks the other night at your new Las Vegas resort. It’s not every day an everyday Nebraska couple like us gets yanked off the street by a big restaurant owner for free eats! Trudi
really loved telling you all about her collection of your Aunt Rosemary’s records and had no idea she had such a smart and handsome nephew. And such a good cook!

We apologize for not knowing who you (or Brad Pitz) are, but we don’t go to the movies at all because they’re too expensive, and Trudi can’t drive, and I don’t drive too well myself because of night vision. Maybe they will show one of your movies on
the Hallmark or Western channels or the Turner movie station (as soon as we can afford the satellite adjuster box) and we can catch up then!

My wife and I were happy to add a touch of everyday normal America to the grand opening of your new resort. It made us feel very special—especially since we were the only ones there! (Maybe if you add White Castle to the menu, you’d get more customers hint hint!)

We wish you the best of luck with your new restaurant.

Sincerely Yours

Fred and Trudi

PS: Trudi knows of an excellent hand cream you can use if washing all those dishes turns out to be too hard on your hands!


Dear George:

Thank you very much for all those movie disks. As soon as we can afford one of those players, we’ll be sure to watch them, but our trusty Betamax still has plenty of mileage on it so we’ll stick with it for now. Until then, those disks will make great beer coasters!

From all those movies, we can see you’re a real busy guy! Could you really afford all that postage? We can hardly afford Christmas cards and have to send e-mail greetings from the computer at the meatpacking plant. We’re down to one gift a year
for each of us. Last year my wife gave me that yellow-purple Hawaiian-plaid shirt I wore that time we ate at your restaurant. Who knows? This Christmas I might get a new one! We’ll see what Santa has in store for this year!

Trudi wants to know, when you guys are short-staffed at your restaurant, do you have to fill in yourself? It’s a BIG problem where Trudi works. Some days she has to work a double and then her boss has to fill in and boy, I tell you, some guys should just stay the heck out of the kitchen!

Bon appetite!

Dear George:

Thanks a million for the clothes. Unfortunately, I guess you forgot I’m on the short and heavy side, so the pants are a little tight around the waist. I can have the legs shortened, but I don’t know if I can lose all that weight. I can have the shirtsleeves shortened too (as soon as we can afford it). I wore the tuxedo jacket to bowling the other night and all the guys got real excited, especially when they saw the “Ocean’s Eleven” label.

By that way, is that “Ocean’s Eleven” on one of those movie disks you sent us? It’s funny, because Trudi and I saw it the other night on that Turner channel and while we saw Frank and we saw Dino and we saw Sammy, we’re darned if we could see you!

You’ll have to tell us which scenes you are in, so we can see them and tell our friends how we know somebody who knew Frank and Dino and Sammy!

One other thing: the dresses you sent don’t fit Trudi at all. Do you have any with thicker straps that aren’t so low cut? (She caused quite a stir when she wore one of them to work the other day.) Who’s that Julia Roberts on the label? Is she one
of your restaurant’s waitresses? Trudi says they oughta cover themselves more!

Take care!

Dear George Clooney:

Thank you very much for dropping by with the disk player and your tailor. I will get the rest of the clothes out of storage for the next time your tailor comes by. (You don’t have to come though if it’s too much trouble!)

We hope you found our couch to be comfortable sleeping. I very much enjoyed hearing you talk about golf! We didn’t know there was so much to hear about the subject! Have you really golfed everywhere? I didn’t know there were that many golf courses!

Sorry I fell asleep toward the end there. Shouldn’t have had that last beer!

Bye for now!

Dear Mr. Clooney:

We’re very sorry we couldn’t take up on your invitation to vacation at your house on Lake Como, but Trudi has mosquito allergies and Minnesota mosquitoes are real WHOPPERS!

It was nice of you to stop by on your way. Your visit sure set trailer court tongues wagging (especially after the wind from the helicopter knocked over our neighbor’s trailer!) We were fascinated by your stories about how loud, shallow, and boring
Hollywood people are and how everybody there wants to use you or sleep with you—though Trudi wonders if adding an extra bedroom in your house might solve that problem—and how you wish you could find some real friends in the real world.

We both wish you luck in your search!

PS: Could we ask a small favor? Could you leave your pet pig at home next time? He was a very fun, energetic pet, but our dog

Schotzie was a lot happier when she had both eyes and all four legs!

Dear George Clooney:

Sorry about the dictated letter, but they don’t have e-mail at the hospital and my own handwriting won’t be legible again until the cast comes off. The neurosurgeon says there isn’t any permanent damage, but they likely won’t get all the dents out of my skull.

Maybe going out for a round of golf wasn’t such a great idea. We probably should have gone right in when the thunderstorm started and maybe it wasn’t too smart of you to pop that wheelie on your golf cart. (I guess the docs didn’t like it when you
took over the ER either, especially after you broke my ribs with the defibrillator)

Anyhow, we won’t be able to make it to the Oscars ceremonies because my skin grafts haven’t healed yet. (Are you catering that by any chance? We sure hope so! You seem like a guy who really needs to stay busy!)

And you don’t need to come visit again, if it’s too much trouble. Trudi and I found the screaming a bit much. Do nurses always tear their clothes off when you come around? Trudi’s still blushing!

We really, truly hope you find the friends you are looking for.

Good luck!

E-Mail from: Ed Vendetta, Esq. Law Firm of Skurvy, Vendetta and Capone.

To: George Clooney

Re: Lipinskis v. Clooney—Restraining Order

Dear Mr. Clooney:

Attached as a .pdf please find the restraining order in the above case Lipinski (“Plaintiff”) v. Clooney (“Defendant”).

To briefly reiterate the conditions as follows:

The Defendant shall stay a minimum of one hundred miles from the Plaintiffs, their persons and their properties at all times.

Nor is the Defendant under any circumstances to repeat his visit to the Plaintiff during the remainder of Plaintiff’s

hospital stay.

The Defendant shall make no attempt to contact Plaintiffs in any matter whatsoever, including postal mail, e-mail, chain

mail, phone, fax, teletype, telegram, Morse code, semaphore code, strung-together tin cans, rocks through windows or airborne

advertising banners saying: “FRED AND TRUDI! I’M SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!”

The Defendant shall not mail gifts or any other packages to plaintiffs, including free meals, DVDs, DVD players, second-hand

clothing, invitations to red carpet premiers, Oscar and other award ceremonies, resort openings, airline tickets to

Switzerland, or golf outings.

The Defendant shall not hold additional pet funerals in the Plaintiff’s yard.

“Oceans 14—Rascals in Nebraska” will not be filmed.

Finally, the Defendant shall not mention the Plaintiffs, both directly and indirectly, in any of his public utterances,

including references to them as “my real-life down-home All-American friends.”

Please download the document, sign and return to our office immediately (and you would mind throwing in an autographed

picture of yourself? Make it out to “Ed!” Thanks!).


Sincerely,

Ed Vendetta, ESQ.


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